50 Shades – Lady Porn that doesn’t measure up!

This is a 2nd hand movie review! ( based on how my wife Tanya reacted to seeing the long awaited 50 Shades movie)

Tanya went to the screening at Marion where hundreds of ‘tarted up’ women anxiously filled each cinema waiting to see what Mr Grey would be like. There were women wearing ‘way too short’ skirts, women with grey ties on ( hoping for some post movie bdsm) and many cackling ‘wound up’ wives waiting for their now socially accepted lady porn.Some ladies laughed at how the seats will need dry cleaning after the movie and got away with being as smutty as the lads normally are.

Every lady received a “goodie bag” of double entendre snacks and tacky ‘tit bits’. But the ladies were disappointed, they were expecting adult products! Tanya was bemused at the large bowl of “fisherman’s friend” throat lozenges. Were they there cos the ladies had sore throats or because things were about to get hot??? Where was the expected bowl of flavoured condoms? There was a market atmosphere with stalls selling Tupperware and cheap jewellery of all things. Where were the lingerie stalls like ‘Honey Birdette’ where were the adult products?!!!

The 50 Shades multi cinema screening had a “buzz” like a very large hen’s night. It was ladies night and “we will talk dirty if we want to!”. One ambitious guy took his wife there on ‘date night’, and there were even some grannies in the crowd…hmmmm.

Tanya was unhappy that Mr Grey was so young and made her feel like ” a dirty old lady” watching a porno. She wanted old time favourite actor Richard “my eyes are too close together” Gere to be the main man in this movie. But alas it was not to be…

The ladies chortled and joked at how the cinemas would be the perfect pick up joint for boys looking for a fired up cougar. No need to spend the hard earned cash buying the ladies drinks all night gents, the ‘warming up’ has been done for you!

On this ‘girls night out’ I was home with the kids helping with homework and preparing the evening meal like a good clean living husband should. It was 11pm and in burst Tanya in the filthiest mood I have seen her in. She was not happy! Her ideals for Mr Grey were certainly not met.

She blasted away with “where was the full frontal male nudity???” We saw every inch of Mr Grey’s female love interests in the movie and we have to go home accepting a view of his buns???…not happy Jan!

“The movie stopped at the wrong point” she said. The storyline was rubbish, and guess what? The movie has been set up for sequels galore!. “I would probably go again and check it out though” she said. It certainly sounded a bit like us guys when we used to read Playboy for the articles:-)

I find it hardly surprising that the biggest selling book with the worst writing imaginable would produce a movie that would exceed female expectations.

When the book first came out I had a go at trying to read it and could not get past chapter one without falling asleep. It would have to be the slowest paced erotic novel in history! Do they have to describe and string out every single irrelevant detail? Or maybe it was a literary master stroke to deter the husbands from reading on to where the real smut starts in chapters 3 onwards?

Either way this movie got a one star rating from Tanya and a no star rating from me as I had to put up with an angry wife when she got home. Now… where is that tea towel? I need to finish drying the dishes…